How to stop being the baggage carrier and start living again

CC image courtesy masochismtango on Flickr.

When we become stepmoms, we are often reminded that our happiness has come at someone else's expense. This is especially true if you are dealing with angry exs, hostile family members, and sad children. Divorce breaks hearts. Even when we have nothing to do with the resolution of the previous marriage, outsiders often blame us and see us as homewreckers. It is an automatic response. And we engage.

We may apologize for our relationship or automatically explain or qualify our relatonship with a "she cheated on him"or "they separated years before I met him". We may experience a certain amount of shame and guilt even if we are faultless. It is as if we have taken on all the baggage of a divorce that wasn't even ours.

It is time to let go of the baggage.

Exercise:

1. On a piece of paper write out everything you feel guilty about and for in your relationship. Write out all your fears especially all your fears regarding how you are being perceived by others.
2. Write out everything that you take on and worry about that isn't yours to take on or worry about. i.e. what shoes your stepchild is wearing, did they remember their homework, etc.
3. Write out everything that you cannot control in this situation.

Go ahead. Get good and mad. Let all your frustration come out and boil onto the page. Cry. Stamp your feet. Get it all out and channel it all into this piece or pieces of paper. (You may wish to carry this with you for a few days and keep adding to the list and complaints.)

When you are ready you are going to light this piece of paper in a fireplace of in another safe environment like a large metal mixing bowl. Watch the flames lick at the page and carry the words off into the wind. Stay and focus and just let yourself know that all these worries and concerns are leaving you.

When it is finished, take a sea salt or epson salt bath by candle light. You may want to add some jasmine or lavender or other soothing essential oil to the bath. Let the water wash away all your cares and concerns. Let the water heal you. When you leave the water, snuff out the candles and try not to look at the bath water. Go to bed, knowing tomorrow you are ready to start anew with a clean slate.

Turning We to Me

CC image courtesy of metaphorical platypus on Flickr.

Last night, I had a bath. Now don't get me wrong, I have had a lot of baths in my time. Smelly baths, bubbly baths, romantic baths . . . Let's just say I am a bit of a bath connoisseur. But last night was different.
As I was lying in the water while my partner was putting his daughter to bed, I realized I was all alone. No cats. No kid. No partner. It was one of the first times in the past two years that I let my guard completely down and enjoyed a moment of perfect bliss.
If being a mom is hard, being a stepmom is even harder because there is a decided dislike for stepmoms in our society. We are constantly thought to be home-wreckers, husband stealers, kid stealers ... cat stealers. We constantly feel attacked, criticized, and most of all judged. If mom can do no wrong, stepmom can do no right.
Then there are the demands. There is a constant juggle between who, what, where, why. Sometimes, there seems like there is very little time to turn we to me.
Let's change that! Let's turn our focus back to ourselves. Let's remember who we are so we can shine our lights out into the world. What do you say ladies? Up for the We to Me Challenge?