How to stop being the baggage carrier and start living again

CC image courtesy masochismtango on Flickr.

When we become stepmoms, we are often reminded that our happiness has come at someone else's expense. This is especially true if you are dealing with angry exs, hostile family members, and sad children. Divorce breaks hearts. Even when we have nothing to do with the resolution of the previous marriage, outsiders often blame us and see us as homewreckers. It is an automatic response. And we engage.

We may apologize for our relationship or automatically explain or qualify our relatonship with a "she cheated on him"or "they separated years before I met him". We may experience a certain amount of shame and guilt even if we are faultless. It is as if we have taken on all the baggage of a divorce that wasn't even ours.

It is time to let go of the baggage.

Exercise:

1. On a piece of paper write out everything you feel guilty about and for in your relationship. Write out all your fears especially all your fears regarding how you are being perceived by others.
2. Write out everything that you take on and worry about that isn't yours to take on or worry about. i.e. what shoes your stepchild is wearing, did they remember their homework, etc.
3. Write out everything that you cannot control in this situation.

Go ahead. Get good and mad. Let all your frustration come out and boil onto the page. Cry. Stamp your feet. Get it all out and channel it all into this piece or pieces of paper. (You may wish to carry this with you for a few days and keep adding to the list and complaints.)

When you are ready you are going to light this piece of paper in a fireplace of in another safe environment like a large metal mixing bowl. Watch the flames lick at the page and carry the words off into the wind. Stay and focus and just let yourself know that all these worries and concerns are leaving you.

When it is finished, take a sea salt or epson salt bath by candle light. You may want to add some jasmine or lavender or other soothing essential oil to the bath. Let the water wash away all your cares and concerns. Let the water heal you. When you leave the water, snuff out the candles and try not to look at the bath water. Go to bed, knowing tomorrow you are ready to start anew with a clean slate.

The Art of Being Lost

CC image courtesy of i_yudai on Flickr.

When I was younger, I was angsty. Like most young people out in the world, I believed there was art to be lost, sad, and frustrated with the world around me. It was fun to sit and brood in my ... lostness.

Throughout my life, at major transitions, I have often found myself in this state of lostness without really wanting it. When my dad died, when I was laid off from my job ... these major transitions always seemed to bring on that feeling of being between things. I was no longer the person I was, but not yet the person I was about to become. It was like my life had not caught up with who or where I was now. It was an uncomfortable stalemate.

When you are a stepmom, it is easy to get lost. There are constant demands and constant expectations that take you away from where you are and thrust you in a different direction. We become lost in a city of other people's expectations. We lose our roadmap. We become tourists in our own lives.

If this is the way you feel today, indulge. Savor the feeling of being lost. Accept where you are. And when you are ready explore where you have been.

Exercise:
You may want to start a journal and ask yourself what were you passionate about when you were 5-10, 15-20, 25-30, 35-40, etc.

1. What did you like to do?
2. Who were your friends? Why were they your friends?
3. What did you believe in? Why did you believe in it?
4. What sort of music did you like?  
5. What movies did you like?  

As you chart your interests, look for transitions and turning points in your life.

Remembering where you have been, can be a help unlock hidden passions and desires. It is also an honoring of yourself and all you have been through. It is a key to finding yourself again.

Turning We to Me

CC image courtesy of metaphorical platypus on Flickr.

Last night, I had a bath. Now don't get me wrong, I have had a lot of baths in my time. Smelly baths, bubbly baths, romantic baths . . . Let's just say I am a bit of a bath connoisseur. But last night was different.
As I was lying in the water while my partner was putting his daughter to bed, I realized I was all alone. No cats. No kid. No partner. It was one of the first times in the past two years that I let my guard completely down and enjoyed a moment of perfect bliss.
If being a mom is hard, being a stepmom is even harder because there is a decided dislike for stepmoms in our society. We are constantly thought to be home-wreckers, husband stealers, kid stealers ... cat stealers. We constantly feel attacked, criticized, and most of all judged. If mom can do no wrong, stepmom can do no right.
Then there are the demands. There is a constant juggle between who, what, where, why. Sometimes, there seems like there is very little time to turn we to me.
Let's change that! Let's turn our focus back to ourselves. Let's remember who we are so we can shine our lights out into the world. What do you say ladies? Up for the We to Me Challenge?

Sudden Onslaught Child Syndrome?

Suddenly a mom to a bunch of kids you don't really know? Perhaps you already had a child or four of your own and suddenly have a few more. Or perhaps you are like me and never wanted kids but fell madly in love with the perfect man (for you) but there was one little catch; a little person you didn't really know.

Whether you are a Domestic Goddess, an Earth Mother, or a Chaos Queen, this site is here to help you get back on your feet and deal with Sudden Onslaught Child Syndrome aka becoming a Stepmom.